Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it. ~ Maya Angelou
After the release of a project - this time the Beautiful World album i felt really blank. As if i did not know anymore how to be creative again ; insecure, not sure about my music, my work and life in general (yes i am a really moody person indeed ;) After so many years i think i know myself well enough to know that i am able to overcome this impasse. But how do i reconnect with my creativity ?
do something different
First of all i try to be as productive as possible. If i am not able to produce new music or write another composition than i order myself to write a BLOG or something, or work in other ways on my portfolio. Publicity is important too .. i used to think that i had to play every single day ... in my case i have the luxury to plan my studio-sessions and i do not perform live concerts so i can take the freedom not to study every day .. so i take the liberty to stay away for a while from my harp. Chances are that i start missing her :D
Oh isn't it the greatest joy to feel inspired, that you feel the urge to write, dance, sing, compose, play, paint, teach, preach, etc. To share your creativity. That your expressiviness, your beauty and consolation count and that your art is a great inspiration to others and has a amazing impact to our beautiful world.
If you’re always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be. ~ Maya Angelou
And yet : it takes guts to follow your heart's desire.
Then it is time to make things work ! And start producing or writing or whatever needs to have voice ;) At the moment i am working on a composition assignment for a museum. I have the inspiration and now it is time to make it happen. What do i need to do ? I need to build up my studio and i will make a demo recording to check the set-up, if all mikes are well placed and that i am sure that there are no funny noises or distortions happening in the audio. I need my harp to be tuned gheghe obviously and i need to practise to have my fingers in shape before the actual recordings .. and of course i want to capture the painting with my 47strings ..
I have to overcome myself in order to be creative .. big time. All these voices inside my head say : will it be good enough ? Am i worthy enough ? I feel sheer fear. What is the trigger that makes me actually sit behind my harp and that i start playing ? When i am not productive, creative i feel empty, restless, unhappy. That's why i have to be stern and drag myself to my harp. Because the alternative is that i will die inside .. because music is inside of me .. it is my heart .. my breathing.
There are artists who feel relatively at ease with an unsafe place .. in other words they love to be at a stage and feel comfortable to share and express their creativity with a live audience .. and feel the urge to be seen .. and even excell - with all this - to me discomfort - i applaud you all for this !!
I took the role as a performer for one year because i wanted to be sure that my thought of being a performing artist was not meant to be for me ..... and after a year i still felt i was acting. Fake it to you'll make it did not work for me in this case because i felt misserable and I thoroughly missed being as authentic as possible in my own time and space without an audience. That is my perception of who i am, and i know best ;)
To excell in my work, i need to feel safe.
To make my harp and soul sing i need silence before i can surrender to the moment. And i need to feel safe in order to express my feelings and to excell. My studio is my safe place where i can scream, cry, sing, dance, make funny faces while playing. Then these rare moments of magic can happen that i have an overwhelmingly open mind : i feel one with the music as if i am truly awake : i am extremely sensitive, aware and focused at the same time, as if i know what i am doing ;) as if i am one with the music and that everything false into place .. as if i am flying high .. music gives me wings ! I know i live an unconventional life, so what ? It is my life and i choose to live it my way, so be it ! i wish for you all the same : a creative life, a happy life .. with music &love XA